Christmas!

Christmas was wonderful! I know its not about getting things, but it sure was nice to actually get! I think its been a few years since I have gotten anything that I asked for. Last year was a catastrophe, I got a baby for Christmas last year, but not a single gift (not that Adam wasnt a wonderful gift!) And the few years before this, not so great.
Though this year, I dont really think it was made so wonderful just because I actually got things, but that, Adam got things. He opened presents and went crazy! He was smiling and playing and just being a little kid. And I have been feeling for a while that I had taken some part of that away from him. Before Christmas and his Birthday (Dec 13th) he didn't really have any toys. I mean, a few little, emphasis on little, toys but nothing that would really allow him to have fun for a period of time. Watching him open all the presents that Santa brought him, well, thinking back to three days ago I could cry thinking about how great it was. He got so excited at one point and we couldnt get him a gift quick enough that he opened one of Abby's! =O  Its just amazing that he had so much fun! And him having fun is what truly made it a great Christmas for me.

So heres a list of what I can remember off the top of my head that he got!

Two ride on cars. (one turns into a walker)
Pooh pillow pet
pooh bank
Rocking Elmo, Elmo guitar, Elmo Microphone
TONS of bath toys
Play an Learn Puppy
A fish tank to clip on his bed(not real fish)
Lots of other things that really dont have names of what they are lol. He got cars and trucks, Chuck the dump truck is his favorite, and I think its pretty cool myself.
He got cloths, which is great because he grows out of everything what seems like on a monthly basis now, (we are up to size 24mth if anyone wants to get him any!).

And this isnt a Christmas gift really, but I went out on the 26th and used my Christmas money (Chase helped too) to buy him a BIG BOY BED! =D He has slept in it for two nights now! YAY!  I love love it! Its a sleigh bed. Its dark wood color and he loves how he can crawl in and out of it! I still have to find him some blankets to fit it the right way because though the crib fitted sheet works, the rest of the crib stuff doesnt! =/

All in all Christmas was wonderful for me. I cant say that I dont miss the Christmas' past because that would be a total lie. I miss my family in LA and I miss my old life. But as far as things go, Christmas was a day pretty much without sadness, a day where I really kinda got to let go of the stress and be happy for what I have. Happy for Adam. And happy for Me.


MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! =D

Breast is Best!

Every mother is faced with the decision of how she should feed her newborn. Many mothers are unaware of the numerous benefits of breastfeeding to both their baby and themselves; they immediately overlook it as an option and turn to formula as the form of nutrition for their little one. This is not to say that babies who are fed formula will not thrive, but that breastmilk is the best choice for both mother and baby; it has the added benefits of being tailored to specifically what each baby needs and therefore helps throughout life.
The first thing that should be taken into consideration by a parent when trying to decide what to feed their infant is the composition of the food. The overall composition of breastmilk is substantially better than that of formula. For instance; Leukocytes are live cells that are found in breast milk. These cells help to build the immune system and help to fight infection, it is impossible to replicate their benefit in any other feeding method. Also, the composition of breastmilk changes over time depending on the age and needs of each baby (Dummies.com, 2011). Colostrum, or the first milk, has a larger amount of antibodies than regular milk. The mother’s regular milk develops at about five days after delivery and the composition of her milk will continue to change throughout toddlerhood depending on the needs of her baby (La Leche League International, 2007). The next thing that a parent should consider is how the food will affect her baby; breastmilk is gentler on a baby because it is made specifically for your baby. Proteins in breastmilk are more easily digested than those in formula or cow’s milk. The nutrients such as calcium and iron are also more easily digested when they are in breastmilk as compared to formula. Furthermore, the motion that is used to nurse is different than that used to drink from a bottle. Less air is taken in during nursing, less air in the baby’s stomach means less chance for stomach aches and reduced colic. With benefits this great it wouldn’t make since to choose another feeding method for your baby. But the benefits of breastfeeding don’t stop with baby, there are more benefits that are not directly related to your little one.
A parent should also consider how the method of feeding she chooses for her baby will affect her. Formula has no physical benefits to the mother which makes breastfeeding a far better choice when you consider the numerous benefits it has for each woman who makes the decision to do so. When a woman is lactating her estrogen levels are lowered, it is believed that the less estrogen available to stimulate the lining of the uterus, ovaries and breast, the lower the chances are of the woman developing cancer in these tissues. It is proven that breastfeeding can reduce a mothers risk for breast cancer by as much as 25%. This reduction in risk is measured in proportion to cumulative lifetime duration of breastfeeding, so the longer a woman breastfeeds the lower her risk becomes (Dr. Sears, 2011). Other health benefits include significant reduction in overall circumference and fat loss by one month postpartum vs. mothers who chose formula feeding. Breastfeeding mothers showed an overall faster return to their pre-pregnancy weight. Breastfeeding also has an immediate helpful effect on the mother. Nursing shortly after delivery helps the uterus to retract to its normal position and to slow bleeding (vaginal birth), thus making recovery easier on mom! Breastfeeding has not only been proven to have physical benefits but also emotional benefits. Studies show that breastfeeding mothers show less postpartum depression and anxiety than formula feeding mothers(Dr. Sears,2011). Most mothers who breastfeed also say that they feel a strong bond with their child which they are sure that had they chosen an alternate feeding method they would not have felt.
Another great reason for choosing to breastfeed your baby is convenience. Cost is a major factor in formula feeding. It costs an average of $1,733.75, just in the first year of formula feeding (Hamm, 2007). The American Academy of Pediatrics estimates the amount of savings for parents who chose breastfeeding to be the majority of this amount, even after taking in the slight increase in the mothers appetite and the cost of the average breast pump which is about $200. Breastfeeding, also provides all around convenience. With nothing to mix or prepare you don’t have to worry when you go out because breastfeeding can be discreetly done anywhere. There is nothing to heat, or to cool if the milk gets too hot, and there is no worry of the milk spoiling. You never have to worry with lugging around or washing bottles. While breastfeeding does require a large commitment from the mother because she always has to be near, it does allow some extra freedom for the father. It’s my opinion that this extra commitment from the mother is what creates the stronger emotional bond that most mothers say they feel.
Other than the most widely known benefits there are some additional benefits to the baby which he or she wouldn’t get from a different feeding method. The mothers body can actually detect a virus through the saliva of the baby and will start to produce extra antibodies which will help the baby to get over his illness faster(La Leche League International, 2007). Breastfeeding your baby while he is sick will help to keep him hydrated. Also the faster absorption of nutrients through breastmilk is beneficial to a sick baby. The added comfort of nursing can be helpful in calming a baby who doesn’t feel well. Breastfeeding is not only beneficial in the short term but it also continues to help throughout life. Children who were breastfed have reduced risk of health problems later in life such as, juvenile diabetes, multiple sclerosis, heart disease, and the development of cancer before age 15 (American Pregnancy Association, 2011). Those who were breastfed longer also show less dental cavities throughout life. And finally there is evidence to show that breastfed children show less psychological, behavioral and learning problems as they grow older.
With the numerous health and emotional benefits that breastfeeding provides to both mother and baby it should be the first choice for every parent! The advantages of breastfeeding will not only help your child in the short term but its advantages are proven to last a lifetime. It just might just be the best gift you ever give your baby that he’ll never say “thank you” for!

Adam Update!

So, my little man is a little over 11 Months old. He now has 3 teeth. 2 on bottom, 1 on top. He is crawling. And cruising(walking while holding onto things). And he has newly started standing up in the middle of the floor without holding onto anything and balancing for just a moment, before he plops down onto his butt and giggles uncontrollably. =]

I am wowed on a daily basis by the things he does, and is learning to do. 

I'm so proud of my little man.
I love you Adam Scott! <3

Long Night

So, last night was a long night.

I'm still in Shreveport. And last night the guys decided to have a little "shin-dig" at their house. Which happens to be where Adam and I are staying. No big deal I figured. I wanted no parts of it but it wasn't a big deal for me to just go to bed. Or so I thought.
My first mistake was a 20oz coffee about 45 minutes before I laid down.

The next mistake was thinking that I could sleep through the noise of like 10 people.

So, I was up until about three. I had a whole lot to think about during the time of laying in bed staring into the darkness.
I thought about how much I missed my old life.. I thought about how much I miss Chase. And about how much I miss having a family. 

But I had this feeling. And it wasnt a new feeling. It was that same old feeling in my chest that I used to get. Feeling like I am disposable. Like I am just nothing. Feeling like the only reason I came 1200 miles was to get hurt a little more. I hate this feeling, because honestly, its my heart breaking just a little bit more. And I dont know how much more of it I can take. 

Its like this;

So when I am in Maryland I feel the same way. My chest hurts and I cry myself to sleep sometimes. I miss him everyday. And my world is consumed by thoughts of him.  Do I have the option of others? Yes I do. And its not to say that they aren't nice guys, they may be perfect guys, but they are not Chase Clayton. So I cry and I miss him. I wish I were here with him.

So when I am here I feel down. But not really the same kind of down. Its like a roller coaster. Its ups and downs because sometimes I feel really great about him and us. And other times I feel like if I died he wouldn't care in the least. It really has me torn apart and not knowing which way to turn. Not that even if I knew which way I wanted to turn it would matter because I cant get him to be serious long enough to talk to me about what he really wants.

I just want to be happy.  Happy with him.
Why is that so much to ask?

Last night was a very long night. =/

Update: My heart is still taken.

Whoa. So its November 15th. Yeah, it has been nearly a month since my last post.
Not that it seems that anyone has noticed. But here I am, in Shreveport, well Keithville actually. Chase wanted to see Adam, and so I made the drive to South Carolina, and then into Shreveport the next day. Adam and I are staying for two weeks.

I wish it were as simple as just bringing Adam to see his father, but it surely isn't.

I thought I was coming down here to prove to myself that I wanted to let go, but now I just find myself even more sure that I'll never love anyone as much as I love Chase. And I know how corny that sounds that "Oh I shall never love again" movie drama crap.. Yeah I totally don't buy into it, but this is different. Or maybe it's not. Either way. Its true.

Okay, So as your reading this your probably thinking, "Oh she is young" or something like "Time heals all wounds". I am not saying that I couldn't ever love again. What I am saying, is I know One Hundred Percent without a shadow of a doubt with all of my being, that it would Never be the same. There is just something about being around him.
My heart beats faster, and yet slower all at the same time. My palms sweat, and I feel warm from the inside out. I get a smile that is uncontrollable, and yet I fear that at any moment I could cry.

I swore before I came down here that I wouldn't cross a certain line.. And of course, that went right out the window.  I have done only what I truly wanted though. But I do feel that it has complicated things.

What if, In ten days, I leave, and I never get the chance to come back? What if he is "using" me. Or what if, I am just completely misunderstanding all together?

I am so happy to be here, yet my heart is breaking. I just want for so many things to change. I just want for so much and yet I dont really feel like it is so much that I am asking for.

I just want to be loved. And I want my family. My small, dysfunctional, amazing, family.

I just dont know what to do anymore. I'm in love.  Completely, totally, hopelessly, consumed, and forever divoted..

..and i fear things will never change.

Just to write.

I haven't written in a few days. Not because I haven't wanted to. But just that I don't really know what to say anymore.

I find that the days seem longer. And the nights seem colder. I miss him more than I have before. And though I am starting to realize that he is going to be with her, and this is really how its going to be, I still dont want to believe it. I still dont want to let go of the him.

I miss my family. I miss my life.

I dont really know what Im saying. Im writing just to write. I just miss my life.  

It hurts to hear it.

Ive been waiting and waiting to hear you say those words.
Ive been praying night and day to hear those words.

"I love you. Please come home."

Its all Ive wanted.
But when I finally heard it, it hurt. It hurt because I know how bad I have messed things up. I know how we were really perfect. I know that I want you and I know that I need you. I know that your the only one I want.
You told me you love me.  You told me to come home. You said you miss me and you miss our life. You want what I give. You love the way I love. And that you need me there with you.  You told me you love me. And that meant so much.

Falling asleep on the phone with you snoring in my ear. It makes me smile but its hard to hear. Cause I know your still not mine. But falling asleep with you there on the line, nothing has made me happier in a long long time.

Then this morning I called  you, to see if you were okay. And I didnt wanna hear what it was you had to say. You couldnt remember any of it.. Not a word at all.. And that hurt me the most.. the most of all..

I wish I could take back the things I have done wrong. I wish there was a restart or a do-over button. I wish there was a chance that I could make things right. Id do whatever I could to prove to you that I  want us. That no matter what I'm yours.

I dont know how much longer I can take the way I feel.

I tell you I love you, and you say alright, bye.
It hurts to hear it...

I love you.. Its not a lie. I wish you could believe it.. But you dont.. and it hurts to know it.

I love him.

I know that Im not a good person. I know that I have made mistakes. I understand the things I have done wrong. And I fully regret them. I dont just regret that the mistakes were found out, I regret ever making them. I always have. I am sorry for the things I have done.
That being said; Im tired of saying Im sorry. Im tired of explaining, and reexplaining. Im tired of not sleeping at night. And Im tired of hurting. Im tired of not knowing my future. And Im tired of missing him. I am so tired, of being absolutely worn out and tired of life.

I swear on everything that if I could id change the past. But everyone knows that isnt true. I swear on everything that I want him more than anything. I swear on everything, that id do anything to get it.

I love him. And thats not ever going to change.

I love how writing has made me feel. I love being able to post these things and get it off of my chest. It means a lot to have people read and  to know how I feel. Maybe someone will be able to help themselves from my past mistakes. Maybe someone will be able to avoid this pain. Maybe someone somewhere will miss out on lonely nights, and crying. Maybe someone somewhere who has read this, wont have to write something like this. The only downfall, is that no matter how many times I say Im sorry. No matter how many people I really convince and show how much I love him to. No matter how much i feel it. And no matter how many people see it...

There is only one person who matters. And I know, that he wont be reading any of this.

Standing alone.

So tonight Adam was doing his usual cruising along furniture and he let go! He stood alone for about five seconds! It made me so proud!! The look in his eye was amazing! It was like "Look at me mom! Im a big boy!"
Of course I screamed and scared the bejesus outa him! lol So he probably wont do it again for another month or so!
Being a mom makes you so proud of the little things!

Adam doesnt know how tough the world is. He doesnt know anything about money, bills, war, or hate, he doesnt know what it means to do something wrong, or to be in trouble. He doesnt understand why mommy and daddy arent together. And he doesnt understand all the problems that are going on.
But he is smart;
He knows about love. And he knows about laughter. He knows about trying to stand up. And he knows about falling down. He knows about getting bumps and bruises. And about trying again. He knows that for almost 10 months hes been trying and failing, but that hasnt stopped him!

He just kept on going until he was able to stand alone.

Maybe that's a sign to me. Maybe I'm not just here to teach Adam. But maybe he is here to teach me. Maybe I need to let go of the past. And maybe I need to realize that the bumps and bruises will happen. And it might not feel good. And I might not like it. I might get frustrated and angry. But I need to keep pushing until I too am able to stand alone.

Mean.

Why is it so easy for people to be mean?

So I get a call today from “him” and he asks me to do something for him. I say okay. He then starts to question me about my personal life. I answer honestly, we aren’t together, and I have nothing to hide. The things I said weren’t mean; they weren’t anything that would make me get mad if they were told to me. If anything they were things that I would love to hear! But he gets mad. He starts to be mean. And I didn’t do anything! Then after getting me all worked up and upset, he gets off the phone. And what of me? I am left feeling like I have done something wrong. I am left with my feelings hurt and once again feeling alone.

I just want people to be nice. I just want him to understand that if he wanted to be with me then he could. But he made the decision not to so now he cannot make decisions or care about things that are my life! This is my life, I make my decisions. And if you’re not willing to change who you are to be a part of my life then you don’t get to influence me on other things!

Why are people so mean! I want a man who is nice. Why are you so so mean?

This is Me.

So, this is me...

I’m sort and “thick”, whatever that means. I dont even really know, thats just what some guy told me. My hair is almost always a mess, or pulled up to keep from being pulled out. I bite my nails, and I crack my knuckles. I hate makeup. And I love perfume. The only way you could get me to take off my eleven year ring, is to pry it from my dead hands, or make me 8 months pregnant again. I paint my toes like a religion, and if you pay attention, you’ll notice, it’s always pink. My cell phone, yeah, it’s always with me. And the laptop is never too far away. Adam is my life, and nothing could ever change that. I’m guilty of being mommy “too much” is what they tell me. But I don’t quite know what that means. I guess when you boil it down, I paid more attention to the baby than the daddy, and that’s how I ended up alone. He sleeps with me, Adam that is. He’s almost 10 months old, and he still wants to. I like to cuddle, and I figure, he isn’t going to be sleeping with his momma when he’s 18 so what’s it matter?! And another thing, breastfeeding, yeah he still does that too. And no, not in the bathroom. Yep right here in Denny’s. If you have a problem, then don’t look. So school, I’m doing that online. It’s just as good as traditional school, so I don’t wanna hear the speech. How’s it going? Well, it’s going. It makes my head hurt. And sometimes I feel stupid. But I have perfect scores and I’m not giving up on this. I’m doing this for my son. I’m doing this for me. In the past, I’ve been one of those dependent women. You know, who couldn’t leave even if she wanted because she didn’t have a way out? Yeah, that was me. But now this is me. And I’m going to make sure I’m never caught in a situation with someone who doesn’t deserve me or my son again. Sometime I will find someone. Time... I feel like there isn’t enough time in the day or in life in general. There’s so much that I want to do, and I swear I feel like my life is passing by so fast! Speed isn’t something I have on my side. I haven’t been on time for an appointment since I had Adam, even when I leave 45 minutes early to go to a place that’s ten minutes away, something always happens to make me late. Oh well, I guess kids do that to you. Kids, I want more. But then again, sometimes I don’t. I ask myself if Adam would rather have siblings or be alone. I’m sure he would much rather have someone to blame the broken lamp on, huh? We’ll see. Speaking of seeing, my vision is awful. I really need glasses. Then people would probably call me names. Not that I have any friends to call me names. I don’t really like me in glasses. Though I’ve heard that guys sometimes like them. I don’t know if that’s really true though. Maybe that’s what I need, glasses to bring spice to my nonexistent sex life. Just me, myself, and I these days. Which is absolutely depressing by the way. But I guess I am waiting for “the guy”. And knowing that maybe he’s out there somewhere wondering what I'm doing right now,(hey dummy, come sweep me off my feet!) Still waiting.. That makes me happy. But back to waiting. I wish I would have waited to lose it. Toby was a total loser. Drugs?! Cheating?! Not to mention he was totally stupid. He aspired to be a McDonald’s manager; I should have seen the outcome of that one from day one. But that’s me; I’m a total sucker for smooth talkers. Waiting; I’ve never danced with a guy in my life. Pathetic? I didn’t think so, until like ten seconds ago. I’ve always said that it’s because I wanted my first dance to be at my wedding. But honestly, I never got asked to dance. Maybe I made that excuse up subconsciously to make myself feel less like a complete loser? I mean, who would buy that? I couldn’t wait to get married to have sex but I can wait to dance? Or even so, how did I get someone to have sex with me and they won’t even dance? Maybe that says something about the guys, not me? Well, one guy asked me to dance. But I wouldn’t. I should have. But since I never have, I don’t really know how. And I’m sure I would’ve embarrassed myself. That’s something I am good at just ask my parents. Like the origami thing, not one of my brighter moments. I can be pretty loud sometimes. I have a bad attitude, and I absolutely know it. I know how to get what I want, and I usually do. I don’t think that makes me a bitch, I just think it makes me well motivated to get the things I know I want. Take food for example; If I order a 24$ steak, and I ask for it medium, and they send it to me well... You can bet your bottom dollar I’m going to be sending that bad boy back! I’ve been told I’m too aggressive. I’ve also been told that I’m too passive. So at this point I’m not sure which I am. I do know, and this is completely unrelated, I’m a very cold person. Not like cold hearted, but like cold temperature. I am almost always cold. Unless its 110 outside, then I’m probably still cold because I will have the air conditioner on so high that there will be ice on the dog’s nose! Dogs, my dogs are another big part of me. They come with me. We are the total package. Love me, Love my dogs (inside the house too!) I’m a pretty high-strung person. I get stressed out way easily. And stress does crazy things to me. I can hold in a lot for a good while, but when it gets to a point, it’s just like BAM! And I explode. My favorite holiday, its gotta be Christmas. Like right now, it’s September and I’m thinking about what to buy people and where to put lights. I love it! I love the lights, I love the music, and I love the feeling that I get when I watch people try to unwrap something that I have used an entire thing of tape on! I sometimes go tape crazy, I don’t mean to, but I wanna make sure that the paper isn’t coming off till its suppose to. Paper makes me crazy sometimes, like when you’re writing and your hand is all rubbing the paper and it’s like its soft but it makes you kinda cringe when you keep writing so you try to hold your hand off the paper but you can’t cause then your wrist hurts! I’m also a very random person, in case you haven’t noticed by this entire thing, I’d be surprised if anyone would have read this far! I guess maybe you don’t have anything better to do. I think reading something this long would probably be boring, maybe not, cause I’m writing it and I am not bored. I hate to be bored. I usually need some type of entertainment at all times. Which is why I don’t like the beach. I can’t just sit and stare at water and get sand in places it shouldn’t be and massive sunburn. I like vacations like Disney World. But I don’t like roller-coasters. The feeling of losing your stomach or falling, it makes me sick. I hate to be sick in anyway. Growing up I was sick a lot. But my immune system seems to have improved. I say that and I will probably get like pneumonia tomorrow. I’m a stubborn person... I really am. And I know it’s annoying. But I just try and try and push and push to get what I want. For a while, I didn’t know what I wanted. But now I’m pretty sure I do. And it bugs me every day. I feel like its eating at me. Like, I know how my life is supposed to be, and I just keep playing it out in my head, and I just can’t find the way that’s going to make it right. I’m right handed by the way. Decision making isn’t my strong suit. I can be a follower at times. But I guess that goes back to my wanting to be more independent. Being dependent is probably what makes this entire situation I’m in right now so tough. And the fact that I seem to gravitate to men who have prior obligations to other women. Sometimes I wonder if there is even such a thing as being “meant for each other”. And not even in the since that two people are put on the planet and are made for each other and are the total and complete match and they will find each other and live happily ever after, and never have a disagreement or an argument. But just in that two people who are similar, can find each other, and learn to overlook the things that they might not love, like the fact that he puts his dirty cloths next to the basket and not in it, and they learn to be with each other and then the rest all falls into place. Place, I'm still just trying to find my place in this world. I left Lonaconing 6 years ago, as a 15 year old who thought that I was trying to find my place, figure out who I was. And now, 6 years later, I'm back. +1. And I still don’t know who I am, or exactly where I'm gonna be. I know I love Adam. I know I'm not giving up on school. And I know that no matter how bad I'm hurting right now, one day, some man is gonna tell me he loves me and it won’t be a lie. And as tough as this is for me, I'm gonna keep pushing, I have to. And its not just for me anymore, its for Adam. If I didn’t have him. I wouldn’t have anything.  This whole thing got a little off subject... It was supposed to be about me. But in a way I guess this is me.  It’s crazy, and out of control. Just like me. It’s confusing and completely complicated. Just like me. It doesn’t totally make since but at the same time, it makes perfect since, if you take the time to really look deeper.

That’s the deeper point here I guess... This is me. And the only way that anyone is ever going to get past the surface, is to overlook my attitude, my insecurities, my bad hair, and my overprotective mommy tendencies. To not look at me for how I look when I wake up in the morning. And to not see only the bad things that are my past. But to look a little deeper. To try and see further than just what’s on top.

This whole thing started as a random writing project, but it’s turned into two thousand words about me. I know it’s a lot. But it’s me..