Whoa. So its November 15th. Yeah, it has been nearly a month since my last post.
Not that it seems that anyone has noticed. But here I am, in Shreveport, well Keithville actually. Chase wanted to see Adam, and so I made the drive to South Carolina, and then into Shreveport the next day. Adam and I are staying for two weeks.
I wish it were as simple as just bringing Adam to see his father, but it surely isn't.
I thought I was coming down here to prove to myself that I wanted to let go, but now I just find myself even more sure that I'll never love anyone as much as I love Chase. And I know how corny that sounds that "Oh I shall never love again" movie drama crap.. Yeah I totally don't buy into it, but this is different. Or maybe it's not. Either way. Its true.
Okay, So as your reading this your probably thinking, "Oh she is young" or something like "Time heals all wounds". I am not saying that I couldn't ever love again. What I am saying, is I know One Hundred Percent without a shadow of a doubt with all of my being, that it would Never be the same. There is just something about being around him.
My heart beats faster, and yet slower all at the same time. My palms sweat, and I feel warm from the inside out. I get a smile that is uncontrollable, and yet I fear that at any moment I could cry.
I swore before I came down here that I wouldn't cross a certain line.. And of course, that went right out the window. I have done only what I truly wanted though. But I do feel that it has complicated things.
What if, In ten days, I leave, and I never get the chance to come back? What if he is "using" me. Or what if, I am just completely misunderstanding all together?
I am so happy to be here, yet my heart is breaking. I just want for so many things to change. I just want for so much and yet I dont really feel like it is so much that I am asking for.
I just want to be loved. And I want my family. My small, dysfunctional, amazing, family.
I just dont know what to do anymore. I'm in love. Completely, totally, hopelessly, consumed, and forever divoted..
..and i fear things will never change.
