Just to write.

I haven't written in a few days. Not because I haven't wanted to. But just that I don't really know what to say anymore.

I find that the days seem longer. And the nights seem colder. I miss him more than I have before. And though I am starting to realize that he is going to be with her, and this is really how its going to be, I still dont want to believe it. I still dont want to let go of the him.

I miss my family. I miss my life.

I dont really know what Im saying. Im writing just to write. I just miss my life.  

It hurts to hear it.

Ive been waiting and waiting to hear you say those words.
Ive been praying night and day to hear those words.

"I love you. Please come home."

Its all Ive wanted.
But when I finally heard it, it hurt. It hurt because I know how bad I have messed things up. I know how we were really perfect. I know that I want you and I know that I need you. I know that your the only one I want.
You told me you love me.  You told me to come home. You said you miss me and you miss our life. You want what I give. You love the way I love. And that you need me there with you.  You told me you love me. And that meant so much.

Falling asleep on the phone with you snoring in my ear. It makes me smile but its hard to hear. Cause I know your still not mine. But falling asleep with you there on the line, nothing has made me happier in a long long time.

Then this morning I called  you, to see if you were okay. And I didnt wanna hear what it was you had to say. You couldnt remember any of it.. Not a word at all.. And that hurt me the most.. the most of all..

I wish I could take back the things I have done wrong. I wish there was a restart or a do-over button. I wish there was a chance that I could make things right. Id do whatever I could to prove to you that I  want us. That no matter what I'm yours.

I dont know how much longer I can take the way I feel.

I tell you I love you, and you say alright, bye.
It hurts to hear it...

I love you.. Its not a lie. I wish you could believe it.. But you dont.. and it hurts to know it.

I love him.

I know that Im not a good person. I know that I have made mistakes. I understand the things I have done wrong. And I fully regret them. I dont just regret that the mistakes were found out, I regret ever making them. I always have. I am sorry for the things I have done.
That being said; Im tired of saying Im sorry. Im tired of explaining, and reexplaining. Im tired of not sleeping at night. And Im tired of hurting. Im tired of not knowing my future. And Im tired of missing him. I am so tired, of being absolutely worn out and tired of life.

I swear on everything that if I could id change the past. But everyone knows that isnt true. I swear on everything that I want him more than anything. I swear on everything, that id do anything to get it.

I love him. And thats not ever going to change.

I love how writing has made me feel. I love being able to post these things and get it off of my chest. It means a lot to have people read and  to know how I feel. Maybe someone will be able to help themselves from my past mistakes. Maybe someone will be able to avoid this pain. Maybe someone somewhere will miss out on lonely nights, and crying. Maybe someone somewhere who has read this, wont have to write something like this. The only downfall, is that no matter how many times I say Im sorry. No matter how many people I really convince and show how much I love him to. No matter how much i feel it. And no matter how many people see it...

There is only one person who matters. And I know, that he wont be reading any of this.

Standing alone.

So tonight Adam was doing his usual cruising along furniture and he let go! He stood alone for about five seconds! It made me so proud!! The look in his eye was amazing! It was like "Look at me mom! Im a big boy!"
Of course I screamed and scared the bejesus outa him! lol So he probably wont do it again for another month or so!
Being a mom makes you so proud of the little things!

Adam doesnt know how tough the world is. He doesnt know anything about money, bills, war, or hate, he doesnt know what it means to do something wrong, or to be in trouble. He doesnt understand why mommy and daddy arent together. And he doesnt understand all the problems that are going on.
But he is smart;
He knows about love. And he knows about laughter. He knows about trying to stand up. And he knows about falling down. He knows about getting bumps and bruises. And about trying again. He knows that for almost 10 months hes been trying and failing, but that hasnt stopped him!

He just kept on going until he was able to stand alone.

Maybe that's a sign to me. Maybe I'm not just here to teach Adam. But maybe he is here to teach me. Maybe I need to let go of the past. And maybe I need to realize that the bumps and bruises will happen. And it might not feel good. And I might not like it. I might get frustrated and angry. But I need to keep pushing until I too am able to stand alone.

Mean.

Why is it so easy for people to be mean?

So I get a call today from “him” and he asks me to do something for him. I say okay. He then starts to question me about my personal life. I answer honestly, we aren’t together, and I have nothing to hide. The things I said weren’t mean; they weren’t anything that would make me get mad if they were told to me. If anything they were things that I would love to hear! But he gets mad. He starts to be mean. And I didn’t do anything! Then after getting me all worked up and upset, he gets off the phone. And what of me? I am left feeling like I have done something wrong. I am left with my feelings hurt and once again feeling alone.

I just want people to be nice. I just want him to understand that if he wanted to be with me then he could. But he made the decision not to so now he cannot make decisions or care about things that are my life! This is my life, I make my decisions. And if you’re not willing to change who you are to be a part of my life then you don’t get to influence me on other things!

Why are people so mean! I want a man who is nice. Why are you so so mean?

This is Me.

So, this is me...

I’m sort and “thick”, whatever that means. I dont even really know, thats just what some guy told me. My hair is almost always a mess, or pulled up to keep from being pulled out. I bite my nails, and I crack my knuckles. I hate makeup. And I love perfume. The only way you could get me to take off my eleven year ring, is to pry it from my dead hands, or make me 8 months pregnant again. I paint my toes like a religion, and if you pay attention, you’ll notice, it’s always pink. My cell phone, yeah, it’s always with me. And the laptop is never too far away. Adam is my life, and nothing could ever change that. I’m guilty of being mommy “too much” is what they tell me. But I don’t quite know what that means. I guess when you boil it down, I paid more attention to the baby than the daddy, and that’s how I ended up alone. He sleeps with me, Adam that is. He’s almost 10 months old, and he still wants to. I like to cuddle, and I figure, he isn’t going to be sleeping with his momma when he’s 18 so what’s it matter?! And another thing, breastfeeding, yeah he still does that too. And no, not in the bathroom. Yep right here in Denny’s. If you have a problem, then don’t look. So school, I’m doing that online. It’s just as good as traditional school, so I don’t wanna hear the speech. How’s it going? Well, it’s going. It makes my head hurt. And sometimes I feel stupid. But I have perfect scores and I’m not giving up on this. I’m doing this for my son. I’m doing this for me. In the past, I’ve been one of those dependent women. You know, who couldn’t leave even if she wanted because she didn’t have a way out? Yeah, that was me. But now this is me. And I’m going to make sure I’m never caught in a situation with someone who doesn’t deserve me or my son again. Sometime I will find someone. Time... I feel like there isn’t enough time in the day or in life in general. There’s so much that I want to do, and I swear I feel like my life is passing by so fast! Speed isn’t something I have on my side. I haven’t been on time for an appointment since I had Adam, even when I leave 45 minutes early to go to a place that’s ten minutes away, something always happens to make me late. Oh well, I guess kids do that to you. Kids, I want more. But then again, sometimes I don’t. I ask myself if Adam would rather have siblings or be alone. I’m sure he would much rather have someone to blame the broken lamp on, huh? We’ll see. Speaking of seeing, my vision is awful. I really need glasses. Then people would probably call me names. Not that I have any friends to call me names. I don’t really like me in glasses. Though I’ve heard that guys sometimes like them. I don’t know if that’s really true though. Maybe that’s what I need, glasses to bring spice to my nonexistent sex life. Just me, myself, and I these days. Which is absolutely depressing by the way. But I guess I am waiting for “the guy”. And knowing that maybe he’s out there somewhere wondering what I'm doing right now,(hey dummy, come sweep me off my feet!) Still waiting.. That makes me happy. But back to waiting. I wish I would have waited to lose it. Toby was a total loser. Drugs?! Cheating?! Not to mention he was totally stupid. He aspired to be a McDonald’s manager; I should have seen the outcome of that one from day one. But that’s me; I’m a total sucker for smooth talkers. Waiting; I’ve never danced with a guy in my life. Pathetic? I didn’t think so, until like ten seconds ago. I’ve always said that it’s because I wanted my first dance to be at my wedding. But honestly, I never got asked to dance. Maybe I made that excuse up subconsciously to make myself feel less like a complete loser? I mean, who would buy that? I couldn’t wait to get married to have sex but I can wait to dance? Or even so, how did I get someone to have sex with me and they won’t even dance? Maybe that says something about the guys, not me? Well, one guy asked me to dance. But I wouldn’t. I should have. But since I never have, I don’t really know how. And I’m sure I would’ve embarrassed myself. That’s something I am good at just ask my parents. Like the origami thing, not one of my brighter moments. I can be pretty loud sometimes. I have a bad attitude, and I absolutely know it. I know how to get what I want, and I usually do. I don’t think that makes me a bitch, I just think it makes me well motivated to get the things I know I want. Take food for example; If I order a 24$ steak, and I ask for it medium, and they send it to me well... You can bet your bottom dollar I’m going to be sending that bad boy back! I’ve been told I’m too aggressive. I’ve also been told that I’m too passive. So at this point I’m not sure which I am. I do know, and this is completely unrelated, I’m a very cold person. Not like cold hearted, but like cold temperature. I am almost always cold. Unless its 110 outside, then I’m probably still cold because I will have the air conditioner on so high that there will be ice on the dog’s nose! Dogs, my dogs are another big part of me. They come with me. We are the total package. Love me, Love my dogs (inside the house too!) I’m a pretty high-strung person. I get stressed out way easily. And stress does crazy things to me. I can hold in a lot for a good while, but when it gets to a point, it’s just like BAM! And I explode. My favorite holiday, its gotta be Christmas. Like right now, it’s September and I’m thinking about what to buy people and where to put lights. I love it! I love the lights, I love the music, and I love the feeling that I get when I watch people try to unwrap something that I have used an entire thing of tape on! I sometimes go tape crazy, I don’t mean to, but I wanna make sure that the paper isn’t coming off till its suppose to. Paper makes me crazy sometimes, like when you’re writing and your hand is all rubbing the paper and it’s like its soft but it makes you kinda cringe when you keep writing so you try to hold your hand off the paper but you can’t cause then your wrist hurts! I’m also a very random person, in case you haven’t noticed by this entire thing, I’d be surprised if anyone would have read this far! I guess maybe you don’t have anything better to do. I think reading something this long would probably be boring, maybe not, cause I’m writing it and I am not bored. I hate to be bored. I usually need some type of entertainment at all times. Which is why I don’t like the beach. I can’t just sit and stare at water and get sand in places it shouldn’t be and massive sunburn. I like vacations like Disney World. But I don’t like roller-coasters. The feeling of losing your stomach or falling, it makes me sick. I hate to be sick in anyway. Growing up I was sick a lot. But my immune system seems to have improved. I say that and I will probably get like pneumonia tomorrow. I’m a stubborn person... I really am. And I know it’s annoying. But I just try and try and push and push to get what I want. For a while, I didn’t know what I wanted. But now I’m pretty sure I do. And it bugs me every day. I feel like its eating at me. Like, I know how my life is supposed to be, and I just keep playing it out in my head, and I just can’t find the way that’s going to make it right. I’m right handed by the way. Decision making isn’t my strong suit. I can be a follower at times. But I guess that goes back to my wanting to be more independent. Being dependent is probably what makes this entire situation I’m in right now so tough. And the fact that I seem to gravitate to men who have prior obligations to other women. Sometimes I wonder if there is even such a thing as being “meant for each other”. And not even in the since that two people are put on the planet and are made for each other and are the total and complete match and they will find each other and live happily ever after, and never have a disagreement or an argument. But just in that two people who are similar, can find each other, and learn to overlook the things that they might not love, like the fact that he puts his dirty cloths next to the basket and not in it, and they learn to be with each other and then the rest all falls into place. Place, I'm still just trying to find my place in this world. I left Lonaconing 6 years ago, as a 15 year old who thought that I was trying to find my place, figure out who I was. And now, 6 years later, I'm back. +1. And I still don’t know who I am, or exactly where I'm gonna be. I know I love Adam. I know I'm not giving up on school. And I know that no matter how bad I'm hurting right now, one day, some man is gonna tell me he loves me and it won’t be a lie. And as tough as this is for me, I'm gonna keep pushing, I have to. And its not just for me anymore, its for Adam. If I didn’t have him. I wouldn’t have anything.  This whole thing got a little off subject... It was supposed to be about me. But in a way I guess this is me.  It’s crazy, and out of control. Just like me. It’s confusing and completely complicated. Just like me. It doesn’t totally make since but at the same time, it makes perfect since, if you take the time to really look deeper.

That’s the deeper point here I guess... This is me. And the only way that anyone is ever going to get past the surface, is to overlook my attitude, my insecurities, my bad hair, and my overprotective mommy tendencies. To not look at me for how I look when I wake up in the morning. And to not see only the bad things that are my past. But to look a little deeper. To try and see further than just what’s on top.

This whole thing started as a random writing project, but it’s turned into two thousand words about me. I know it’s a lot. But it’s me..