Stupid.

Tonight I'm going to talk about being hurtful.

Lord knows I've done my fair share of being hurtful. I've done things that I said I'd never do and said I'd never do again. I've hurt people. Good people. And because of the mistakes I've made, I've turned good people into very bad people.

I guess my biggest mistakes in life were my weaknesses. I have trouble being alone. I haven't been alone since 10th grade, and I don't really guess it's because people just find me that attractive. But more so that I change myself to be whatever suits someone else. Become a thug? No problem. Return more to my roots? I can handle that. Lose weight? I didn't want that food anyways. My problem is that I just cannot be by myself. So what has this made me?

A cheating, lying, heartless, bitch of a whore.

Yep. Thats me. And boy do I live up to it.

I've cheated on Chase twice. The first was a guy who I had absolutely nothing in common with other than the fact that his nice personality reminded me of Chase and I reminded him of his distant girlfriend Kate. Most of the time I just pretended that he was Chase. The second was Chases friend. Who presented himself while Chase was away. I was weak and I didn't want to feel alone anymore.

Years pass from this, 3 to be exact, and we're still fighting about it. 

I left. I went to Maryland. I stayed there for almost a year. A YEAR. As you're reading this it might not sound like much but a year. 365 days. 52 weeks. Halloween. Christmas. Easter. A beach trip. First real words. Learning to stand. First steps. And first falls. A year. Thats a long time in my life. And yet day to day, my life goes fast.

I spent that year just as I said; watching Adam grow. Chase spent that year in a totally different manner. He was 21 and he truly lived up to it. A year of partying and passing out. Monday parties, Tuesday parties, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday parties.. Girls and alcohol. And all the while the only thoughts that I think were of me, were the ones he had while totally fucked up, when he would decide to call and ruin my nights. I mean really, I got so many phone calls. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "I hate you, you've lost me forever" and I can't tell you how many nights I've cried myself to sleep.

I cannot tell you how many nights I'd lay in bed and think, "if it weren't for that beautiful little boy of mine, I'd end it all."

It was almost a year, and I decided to come back.

Its been four months exactly since I pulled out of my Dads driveway. And I honestly don't know how much my life has changed. I complain. I clean everyday. I yell at Adam. And I turn my homework in late. I still cry at night sometimes. But today is the first day since I've been here that I've had the want to just quit my life. I think all the time about how much I love Chase. And I think about how much I just want things to be right. But I know deep down that things aren't going to ever change. Things aren't ever going to get better. Because I'm a cheating, lying, heartless, bitch of a whore, and this is the life I chose.

Maybe someone will take it out of my hands. Maybe the decisions that are hard in life will somehow be made for me, and Adam and I will end up better off because of it..

Or maybe this is all just stupid.. Maybe I'm writing this and no one will read it.. Maybe no one really even cares. After all, if someone did, I'd be talking rather than writing this crap, right?

Maybe this is all just stupid.. Maybe I'm just stupid.

Losing it.

Today has been bad. Well, not all bad. Chase's Mom came over for a while, and we talked for some time and it was quite nice. But thats about all of the polite, normal adult interaction I've had in over a week.
Adam has been screaming at me for the past hour and a half. Hes yelling, he is hitting, he pulls my hair, he bites, he points his finger and tells me "No." And honestly, I don't know how much more of it I can take.

Don't get me wrong. I love this little guy. But these days I'm loving him a whole lot more at nap time. If I didn't know better I'd think that the book on terrible twos was written specifically about him. Everything I do makes him mad. And I cannot do anything without him being in my butt.

He has this severe separation anxiety thing going on. And its killing me. I literally want to run away at times. And this sounds terrible.

This isn't fun. This isn't enjoyable. I don't spend my days on the couch eating chips and watching stars movies. I spend my days taking care of a vindictive little brat!   I spend my days wondering what I can do to make him "normal". I spend time crying because hes so mean, and I spend time hiding under blankets and in the bathroom just so that I can have two minutes alone. And even then I have to listen to him scream at me because he cant find me.

A word to the wise for all the young girls who I hear saying that they want a baby because they want to feel loved. If you want to feel loved, if you want companionship, and loyalty, if you want a best friend, and you want a buddy.... Get a damn dog, because your damn sure not getting it from a child.

Seriously people, I love Adam. But today... I'm absolutely losing it.

A little aggravated.

So, I'm a little ticked off today. Well, maybe a little more than a little.

I'm battling with a company which says I owe them money. I do not. I am also dealing with three or four collections people calling me daily to remind me of this money which "I owe". All $148.40. This company, is a billion dollar company, they are also paying a debt collection agency to call me multiple times a day. I am almost positive that the contract they have given these companies on my $148.40 is actually costing them more money than what they would receive from me, that is, if I decide to pay money, which, I don't owe! 

So, that was my first issue today. My second issue is one that I have always felt, but only sometimes do I let it get to me, and today is one of those days. I posted on Facebook about my issue with this company. Within 30 minutes three people on my friends list have posted status' about God. How "if he brings you to it, he'll get you through it" or "he wont give you anything you can't handle" or one of my personal favorites "its all in gods plan for you. People are you serious, its in gods plan for me to be hounded by debt collectors day in and day out for a debt I don't owe? What greater good is this creating for me? What purpose in my life, other than stressing me out, is that doing? Do Christians realize how often contradict themselves? Take this story for example;
A woman gets pregnant at 38 after she and her husband have tried and tried for years. After doctors have told her that it is highly unlikely that she would ever conceive. Miracle? No, chance. It was unlikely, but not impossible, try enough and eventually you'll get the outcome your looking for. (Similar to playing the lottery.) Now, this woman goes through her pregnancy alright, except at about 24 weeks, she starts having contractions, she goes to the hospital, her water breaks and there is nothing they can do to stop her labor, the baby is born. (for shits and giggles lets call it a girl) So, baby girl is born at 24 weeks weighing about a pound. Her lungs are underdeveloped, and her other organs aren't fully functional, but this little girl is "fighting" to stay alive. Divine intervention? No, call it a doctor who believes in his medical degree and his 8-10 years of schooling and a great round-the-clock staff to help this little one. Now, the baby lives, but is in the hospital. She has her ups and downs, she has her good days and her bad, but she comes through. Would a Christian say that this is because of the great technology advances we have made? How about that wonderful doctor who's been taking care of the little one? No, its because "God" has a big plan for her. Something big, God is bringing her through this because it is his will. God is guiding the hands of those doctors and nurses and is helping to bring the baby through this terrible time. (ugh, who brought the baby to the terrible time in the first place? Was it not gods will to have her born at 24 weeks? humm) Well the little girl is 8 months old now, and she passes away. Her parents and family, destroyed, but never fear, "She's in a better place" "Shes with God" "God needed another angel" "Shes better off" "She was too good to stay here with us" "God only takes the good ones"

Total bull shit. See not only will it now be because God needed another angel but it will also be the doctors fault. When something good happens, God did it, when something bad, it was a person. When something unexplainable, why is it God, and not logic, not science?

I'll be the first to tell you, that I am absolutely blessed to have a healthy child. But can you tell me, why is it, that any child ever be born unhealthy? What greater purpose does this serve? What is it teaching the two week old who has to have heart surgery? Why should an 8 year old have to go through radiation therapy for childhood cancer? Why does some looney go into a movie theater and unload his gun killing innocent people. Why is it that people are blamed for things they haven't done. Why on earth do these things happen? 

Next story;

A man, with a wife and kids works a hard job all his life. He hasnt been to college, and he isn't some computer genus. Hes a carpenter, and hes more than good at it, hes amazing. He lands a position as a project manager of a large company, and he is great at that. Finally, he is making the money he has always dreamed of. Hes able to buy all of the things he has ever wanted for his wife and kids, and he finally feels like he has a little bit of freedom. Then, he gets hurt. A platform with four water tanks, falls on him. Hes alone and has no option but to push them off of himself. In the process he slips disks, breaks bones, and tears muscles. He goes to the hospital, where they dont catch the problem. For five years he is passed from doctor to doctor. Until finally one says, hey, you really do have a problem. The man undergoes an extensive and risky surgery. The procedure goes well, only they tell him, it was worse than he thought. Recovery will take a minimum of four months. Four more months out of work. Only now, there is absolutely no income. The man goes through even more pain while trying to recover. His family watch him hurt, but also watch him improve. He goes to the doctor and they say he will never be able to do his line of work again. So, while bills are piling up, while he is at risk of losing everything, he finds out that he cant work the way he has his entire life. He doesn't know how to do, anything else. Since he was 18, he has never done anything different.

Good sir, could you please tell me, why is it that a man worked, poured sweat and blood into his job all his life, finally moved into a position where he could actually provide for his family the way he always wanted to, and then something like this happens? Could you tell me, what is the purpose? What is the greater good of this? Is it in gods plan, to make a family homeless? To take away everything they have ever worked for? Please tell me the lesson in this, please find me the humor, because for the life of me... I don't see it!

"Its all in gods plan" "God will heal him" "God is watching over him" "God has something better in mind"

Gods watching over him? Where the f*** was god when the damn platform fell on top of him? Where was god when doctors couldn't figure out the problem? And exactly where was god, when he was having to sell everything that he ever worked for just to keep the lights on and food on the table?

Why can the human race not think with logic? Why can people not see, that their idea is flawed. Why is it, if god is so great, would he let something so terrible happen to people who are so good? Why is it that life would be cut off at only 8 months? Why is it, that a child gets cancer? Why is it that people who honestly worked hard for what they have all to often lose it all? Can you tell me? Because it surely isn't because your god was watching over them. It surely wasn't because it was "in the plan", and I'll be damned if I want to hear that the devil did it.

Think with some logic people, think with some reason. Use facts, and no the bible isn't fact. It's a book. Saying that its fact is that same as me saying that the Junie B. Jones series is fact.

So I'm aggravated. I'm mad. I'm tired of being blamed for things that I didn't do. And I am tired of watching people around me get hurt when they don't deserve it.

Lots to tell..

So, Adam and I came back to Shreveport on June 1st. And since then things have been going... yeah.. there going.

We live in Chases house. With he and all of his friends. And my dogs, Seiko and Squirt. Are staying at his moms house. We've looked at several rentals, but none are good enough. Or within our price range. Which sucks.

Im still doing my schooling, but its not going so good. Im not able to concentrate on my work because Im dealing with taking care of Adam on my own, and dealing with trying to meet Chase's needs too. So needless to say, my grades are showing this.

Chase is at AT right now. It lasts two weeks. Which sucks, because right now Im car-less. He has the jeep everyday, and we never know what time he will be off. The Army is full of wonderfulness. ugh.

Today I feel like crap. Yesterday, I got into a fight with my friend. Which was the first time we've ever fought. I don't think we are the same people we were when we became friends. And I think that is leading to this. The same can be said for Chase and I. He often talks about my parenting. And it makes me feel very down. I have a hard time listening to someone tell me that I am not good at being a mother. I try very hard.

Some of the issues that he talks about he doesn't give me a chance to fix or to even tell him how I feel.  Breastfeeding is one of them. Adam is 18 months old. And he still nurses at night. This means that I don't want Adam to stay the night anywhere yet. And though part of it is the fact that he nurses but part of it is that I am afraid. Chase says that Adam and I are too close. Which is probably true. Adam relies on me a lot. Maybe more than most children do. But Chase doesn't realize that it has just been Adam and I. And he really is still a baby. I wish that he could understand. He talks about how we dont go out because I wont let Adam go anywhere. And its true that when Adam was little I did not like going anywhere. But I really am ready to go out now. But Chase has not asked me to. I'd love to go on a "date". But he hasnt asked. I feel like I havent been given the chance to make him happy with me. I feel short changed. I feel like it is hopeless.

Update.

Well, I figured that its been about a month since my last post so its time to update on everything, So here goes.
Chase and I are together, and it makes me super happy. I love him very much. I know we have a lot of work to do on us, but I know that its all gonna be worth it.

Adam is growing like a weed, seriously, this kid is huge, haha. He's doing all sorts of things now too. He will be 17 Months old, on Sunday, which is Mothers Day! I gave a list of the things that he does last month, but I feel like giving an updated list this month, so here it goes.

Of course the normal, rolling over, sitting up, crawling and walking. But now sprinting! Like all the time he is running.

He talks so much. I know I wont remember it all but heres what I can remember; Mom, Dad, Pap, Nana, Aunt Ba, Dog, Kitty, That, Whats that?, Ouch!, Hot!, Up, Tuck(Tucker), Memm(Memphis), Hi, Bye-Bye, Night-Night, fish. (More I am sure)

He signs too! Mommy, Milk, More, Drink, Up, All gone, Fish(as in goldfish crackers)

He also makes car noises now and every time we pass a motorcycle he makes it! =D

Adam is growing up fast. I love my little guy so much!

Adam update =D

So, its March 17th, That would make my little man, 1 Year, 3 Months, and 4 Days old.
He's HUGE, at nearly 29lbs.. And I forget how tall, I think they measured him at about 34 1/2inches last time. Anywho, hes heavy, totally killing my back!

Hes doing all sorts of things too! Gone are the days of crawling.. Hell, gone are the days of walking.. This kiddo is RUNNING everywhere!

So yeah this is totally a post about me gloating on what my smart little guy does..

He runs. He has 8 teeth now(ouch says my boobs!). Hes talking a lot. Mom, Dad, Pap, Aunt Ba, Dog, That, Whats that, Oucha, Uup, Uh-Oh!, Stuck, Tuck (Tucker). And Im positive I am missing some.

He signs too. More, Milk, Mommy, Drink, Up. And we are still working on other ones.

I am so proud of my little man. =]

On and On..

So I have been doing my normal thinking and what I havent been sure of in my mind is how to make everyone around me happy. How to please everyone and myself. And thats just not possible. So what I keep doing, is putting everything out of my head. I keep pushing it away and trying to talk myself out of the things that I want. And now I am sitting here alone(with Adam) and its like everything is crystal clear to me. It doesnt make since to give up what I want for anyone else. It doesnt make since to be unhappy for anyone. So yeah, I might burn a few bridges, and hurt a few feelings.. Im not talking about destroying peoples lives or being a total ass to them, but what I am talking about, is getting what I want. Going for my dream. Doing what I want and only what I want. And saying the hell with what anyone else says, cause when it comes right down to it. Its my life, and Im the one whos gotta live it.
I could go on and on.. But its survivor night.

Crazy..

So, I think I'm going crazy..

My head is swimming, and my heart just plain out hurts. A lot has been going on lately. So, I told my family that i wanted to go back to Shreveport, and of course, it destroyed them. They all think it would be a mistake. And that got me thinking. I keep questioning if its what I want, and what I need for me and Adam. And the more I question myself, the more I keep questioning myself. I keep asking if what I want and what I need are two different things? And I really cant take asking myself so much anymore. I know what I want.. And what I want is my family. What I want is my life back. I want a house, and a yard, I want Adam and the dogs to go out and play.. I want Chase to go to work, and me to take care of Adam and the house. I want to finish my schooling, and then when Adam goes to Elementary school, I want to work at the school he attends. I want to be happy. I want to stop questioning myself, I want to stop thinking that what I want is wrong.. I want what I want.. and thats just it..

So, the matter of hurting everyone.. That doesnt come easy to me.. I hate disappointing people.. Especially my family. But in order to have MY family.. I have to do this. Because what I worked for, for so long is MY family.. And I am glad that I could come home for a while, and get things straight.. But when it comes to it.. What I really want, what I really NEED, is to go back there, what I really have to do, is go back and show everyone, show MYSELF, that this is right.. That this, is the right choice for me, for Adam, and for my life.. That doing this, though it will make me miss my family here, though it will make me sad to pull out and drive away, though it will hurt me knowing that I hurt people around me by making this decision...

It will make me happy.. Because it really is exactly what I want..

I am going crazy because I know what I want.. And I hate that I have to hurt people to get it..