Tonight I'm going to talk about being hurtful.
Lord knows I've done my fair share of being hurtful. I've done things that I said I'd never do and said I'd never do again. I've hurt people. Good people. And because of the mistakes I've made, I've turned good people into very bad people.
I guess my biggest mistakes in life were my weaknesses. I have trouble being alone. I haven't been alone since 10th grade, and I don't really guess it's because people just find me that attractive. But more so that I change myself to be whatever suits someone else. Become a thug? No problem. Return more to my roots? I can handle that. Lose weight? I didn't want that food anyways. My problem is that I just cannot be by myself. So what has this made me?
A cheating, lying, heartless, bitch of a whore.
Yep. Thats me. And boy do I live up to it.
I've cheated on Chase twice. The first was a guy who I had absolutely nothing in common with other than the fact that his nice personality reminded me of Chase and I reminded him of his distant girlfriend Kate. Most of the time I just pretended that he was Chase. The second was Chases friend. Who presented himself while Chase was away. I was weak and I didn't want to feel alone anymore.
Years pass from this, 3 to be exact, and we're still fighting about it.
I left. I went to Maryland. I stayed there for almost a year. A YEAR. As you're reading this it might not sound like much but a year. 365 days. 52 weeks. Halloween. Christmas. Easter. A beach trip. First real words. Learning to stand. First steps. And first falls. A year. Thats a long time in my life. And yet day to day, my life goes fast.
I spent that year just as I said; watching Adam grow. Chase spent that year in a totally different manner. He was 21 and he truly lived up to it. A year of partying and passing out. Monday parties, Tuesday parties, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday parties.. Girls and alcohol. And all the while the only thoughts that I think were of me, were the ones he had while totally fucked up, when he would decide to call and ruin my nights. I mean really, I got so many phone calls. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "I hate you, you've lost me forever" and I can't tell you how many nights I've cried myself to sleep.
I cannot tell you how many nights I'd lay in bed and think, "if it weren't for that beautiful little boy of mine, I'd end it all."
It was almost a year, and I decided to come back.
Its been four months exactly since I pulled out of my Dads driveway. And I honestly don't know how much my life has changed. I complain. I clean everyday. I yell at Adam. And I turn my homework in late. I still cry at night sometimes. But today is the first day since I've been here that I've had the want to just quit my life. I think all the time about how much I love Chase. And I think about how much I just want things to be right. But I know deep down that things aren't going to ever change. Things aren't ever going to get better. Because I'm a cheating, lying, heartless, bitch of a whore, and this is the life I chose.
Maybe someone will take it out of my hands. Maybe the decisions that are hard in life will somehow be made for me, and Adam and I will end up better off because of it..
Or maybe this is all just stupid.. Maybe I'm writing this and no one will read it.. Maybe no one really even cares. After all, if someone did, I'd be talking rather than writing this crap, right?
Maybe this is all just stupid.. Maybe I'm just stupid.
