So, last night was a long night.
I'm still in Shreveport. And last night the guys decided to have a little "shin-dig" at their house. Which happens to be where Adam and I are staying. No big deal I figured. I wanted no parts of it but it wasn't a big deal for me to just go to bed. Or so I thought.
My first mistake was a 20oz coffee about 45 minutes before I laid down.
The next mistake was thinking that I could sleep through the noise of like 10 people.
So, I was up until about three. I had a whole lot to think about during the time of laying in bed staring into the darkness.
I thought about how much I missed my old life.. I thought about how much I miss Chase. And about how much I miss having a family.
But I had this feeling. And it wasnt a new feeling. It was that same old feeling in my chest that I used to get. Feeling like I am disposable. Like I am just nothing. Feeling like the only reason I came 1200 miles was to get hurt a little more. I hate this feeling, because honestly, its my heart breaking just a little bit more. And I dont know how much more of it I can take.
Its like this;
So when I am in Maryland I feel the same way. My chest hurts and I cry myself to sleep sometimes. I miss him everyday. And my world is consumed by thoughts of him. Do I have the option of others? Yes I do. And its not to say that they aren't nice guys, they may be perfect guys, but they are not Chase Clayton. So I cry and I miss him. I wish I were here with him.
So when I am here I feel down. But not really the same kind of down. Its like a roller coaster. Its ups and downs because sometimes I feel really great about him and us. And other times I feel like if I died he wouldn't care in the least. It really has me torn apart and not knowing which way to turn. Not that even if I knew which way I wanted to turn it would matter because I cant get him to be serious long enough to talk to me about what he really wants.
I just want to be happy. Happy with him.
Why is that so much to ask?
Last night was a very long night. =/
